Eau de Mike

More Thoughts from a Treadmill

Synapsial firings as I put one foot in front of the other at the gym the other day.

1. Gee, I really need to make a blog entry. It's been way too long.

2. If I were a plastic bag, I would pray every night that whoever ended up in possession of me would use me to carry bread and cookies and stuff from the grocery store, instead of their dog's poop from the park.

3. I wish my upstairs neighbor, Suzanne, would stop letting dirt and water drop down from her deck onto mine when she's repotting and watering her plants like I asked her because it makes a huge mess for me to clean up and makes mud on top of my brand new patio table. I also wish she would stop banging around up there, dropping everything she picks up all day, every day, nonstop thumping and banging. She also needs to stop slamming her door so hard that the entire building shakes, and stop playing her TV AT MAXIMUM VOLUME at 1:00 in the morning so that even earplugs don't drown out the noise. She's really not a very good neighbor. One would think that a little old lady would be a bit more considerate, wouldn't one?

4. I am so sick of news about "Baby Shiloh" that I could puke. I wish Brangelina would shut up, already.

5. Reading really is fundamental.

6. Speaking of, I am astounded by the number of mediocre and downright crappy books I have read this year. Except for "Fun House." That one was stellar.

7. You gotta have friends. La la la la la la la.

8. If you need some motivational music to run to, you can't do any better than Cher's Living Proof CD.

9. Hewlett Packard, SunRocket, Motorola, Cingular and TiVO really need to make their products and services unsucky. Preferably BEFORE they sell them to me.

10. There is no such thing as watching too much "Law and Order: SVU."

Channel Surfing

I've always loved television. And I make no apologies for it. Ever since I was a kid, my favorite thing to do was to watch TV. Even though back then (and I'm really showing my age here) there were only 5 stations: ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, and the UHF channel...the independent channel that only showed religious broadcasts or crap I never wanted to see.

Tonight, I channel surfed while enjoying the benefits of TiVo and cable. I get, like, 60 channels. It's insane. And it's lots of fun. Here's what I saw:

1. Law and Order: SVU repeats. I can NEVER get enough of gorgeous Mariska Hargitay and gorgeous Christopher Meloni.

2. Julie Andrews performing a medley of her Broadway hits. I adore her. You can have Judy, Liza, Barbra, and Madonna. Give me Dame Julie any day.

3. South Park. So politically incorrect, offensive, brilliant and hysterical. A voice that needs to be heard.

4. Pimp My Ride. Okay, so I surfed right through this.

5. My Fair Brady. I only watched for a few minutes. Something about Christopher Knight STILL working the Brady angle after all these decades makes me want to puke. So what if I had a crush on him when I was 10? Fast forward thirty years...he's lame!

6. Sanford and Son. Oh God, I couldn't stand this show when it was originally on. Reruns are no exception. So, so, so bad.

7. Stargate SG-1. This is a show my brother loves, and I have always tried to appreciate – there are worse ways to spend an hour than watching Richard Dean Anderson do his thang – but I just can't get into it. I tried, you guys. I really did. Sorry!

8. Some Western movie with Clint Eastwood. He has evolved into an incredibly gifted director. But his old stuff, the squinty-eyed cowboy who hardly says anything. Bo-ring!

9. America's Got Talent. As an American Idol fan, I thought MAYBE I'd enjoy this show. But the combination of Regis Philbin, W-list judges, and an audience participation element that reeks of "The Price is Right" - this show is, to use Simon Cowell's own phrase, "truly horrible." It's embarrassing that "America" would even watch this. Complete and utter crap. America does NOT have talent; it has diarrhea.

10. I Shouldn't Be Alive. Mildly interesting survival stories. I love to read survival stories ("Skeletons on the Zahara", "The Whaleship Essex", "The Endurance") but watching them on TV is tedious. They tend to use the same 6-second video clip, like, 100 times in the space of an hour. The basic story gets stretched out to be 1,000 times longer than it needs to. So watching feels like a huge waste of time. And it usually is.

11. Surfing through "Will and Grace", "Friends", "The Daily Show", "Law and Order", "The Simpsons", and even "King of the Hill" makes me smile. All great shows. Restores one's faith in the whole industry.

Things I Have Been Doing Other Than Blogging

It's been a while. Mea culpa. Here then, are my excuses:

1. Reading Men's Journal, TV Guide, and Entertainment Weekly. Into every life some fluff must fall.

2. Reading "The Know-It-All: One Man's Attempt to Become the Smartest Person in the World" - this is laugh-out-loud funny on every page. And it's non-fiction (hear that, Jean?)

3. Working on a radio campaign for a new client. Not only am I writing it, I'm producing it too. Lots of fun.

4. Holiday shopping and parties. There can never be enough of either. So far, I have bought myself 14 gifts. I must really love me.

5. Putting the finishing touches on a new essay that will (hopefully) be published in 2006. The topic is top secret, but here's a hint: It has something to do with me. (gasp!) What a shocker.

6. Mulling over the pros and cons of taking a stand-up comedy class. Dare I? What fun it would be! I could never be like Robin Williams, though. I can't do impressions. Or be manic slash schizoid. I would have much better success as the male equivalent of Ellen Degeneres. Way more my speed.

7. Catching the finale of The Amazing Race. Go Weavers!

8. Law and Order: SVU repeats. Best waste of time ever. I'm not sure who I love more, Christopher or Mariska.

9. Writing several Christmas cards, plus one Chrismakuh card. Did you make the cut? Only the USPS knows!

10. Concocting top 10 lists. They take longer than you might think.

So there ya have 'em. My excuses. Aren't you glad you asked?

Beyond Freedom

I haven't freelanced full-time in several years. I've sort of forgotten a lot of little things that you have to do when you're a freelancer, that you don't have to do when you're on staff someplace. Little things like:

1. Find work.

2. Find affordable health insurance.

3. Rethink your car insurance and get that premium down.

4. Sit your butt down in the chair and work.

5. Sit your butt down in the chair and promote yourself.

6. Sit your butt down in the chair and promote yourself some more.

Luckily, there are also lots of things you don't have to do because you're freelancing! Like:

1. Punch a clock.

2. Sneak in when you're late.

3. Sneak out to leave early.

4. Brown-nose your boss (hard to brown-nose yourself).

5. Play office politics.

6. Pretend you like your co-workers.

Life's full of trade-offs. The way I see it, though, I'm still way ahead.

Please Don't Throw Me in the Briar Patch!

Well folks, it happened. I got fired.

It's not like I didn't see it coming. And, truthfully, I quit long before they made me turn my key in. In my mind, anyway. Also truthfully, I was going to give my notice in mid-October anyway so it's not like it was the end of my world. Still, getting sat down by a boss you don't particularly care for in the first place, and basically being told "we don't want you here anymore" still has a bit of a sting. However, there's nothing like ten days in Palm Springs to make the pain go away, and I'm here to tell you it worked like a charm.

So, then, here's a list of the things I won't miss about my old job:

1. My crappy, ugly eMac that froze on me twice a day, even though the most complicated program I ran on it was Microsoft Word.

2. Having to work on SIX - count 'em, SIX - insurance accounts. Yeah, that'll further your career.

3. Being shut out of all new business pitches, despite a glorious track record in winning new business with my creative.

4. Working for a boss who never wanted to talk to me. About anything. Ever.

5. Coming up with dozens of lines for a measly table tent, and being told "we need more options."

6. Weekly staff meetings that ended with obituaries for recently deceased celebrities.

7. Watching people who make 2-1/2 times more than I did keep their jobs, while producing 10 times less work than I did.

8. Being lied to.

I guess that's good enough. I suppose no workplace is perfect, but it was a toxic environment for me and I'm glad to be out of it. Actually, "glad" is a vastly inadequate word. Ecstatic is more like it. Joyful. Overcome with relief. Dancing on the ceiling. All of the above.

Is there anything I'll miss? Of course. I had several good friends there. And I mean GOOD friends. Brethren. Dear, dear people who will not be out of my life, but who I will not be seeing every day now. And that will take some getting used to.

But here's a bonus list -- all the things I'm going to LOVE about freelancing. Which is an easy list to write because I've been working towards this goal since practically the day I started at the old agency. Now I can jump high in the air and click my heels together because:

1. I can work for whatever clients I feel like working for.

2. I already have 2 of them and it's only my second day of freelancing.

3. I don't have to do any jobs I don't feel like doing.

4. I can go on vacation whenever the hell I want, for as long as I want.

5. I can work from home (my new apartment, which I LOVE).

6. I have an understanding, intelligent, wonderful boss I respect -- ME!

7. I am in control.

8. I have more freedom.

9. My new clients listen to me.

10. I am working with some old friends, who I've missed working with over the past 3 years.

BONUS: I know I am a smarter person than the one who let me go.

This last item is an important one and I'd like to say more about it, but I signed an agreement not to in order to collect my shamefully inadequate severance pay.

Does it sound like I'm bitter? Hmmm... maybe I am a little. I've never been fired before. And I don't like being told to "go away." Who would? But it's like my dad told me when I left home for Navy boot camp: "The world is full of assholes. Don't let them drag you down."

Don't worry, Dad. I won't.

And the countdown begins!

Oh. Lawd. I can hardly believe it. My new landlord finally gave me a definite move-in date for the new place. It's Sept. 3rd. That means I have less than a week to spend in this dumpy cave of an apartment before I can live in my lovely, open, sunny new space. Not that I'm anxious or anything...

My favorite parts about this past weekend:

1. Dinner with my dear friend, Naomi, who helped me put together my portfolio and looked fabulous doing it.

2. Brunch with my friend, Mary, who scarfed her eggs benedict so fast she got yolk all over her chin but cleaned it off gracefully when I called her attention to it.

3. Phone call from my friend, John, who couldn't get together for a walk by the beach, but just wanted to say Hi.

4. A great bottle of wine a new acquaintance gave me. Such a gracious gift for someone you don't know well, and much appreciated.

5. Time to read. On deck at present: "Caliban's Shore" a riveting true story of a shipwreck off the east coast of Africa in the 18th century.

6. Bought plane ticket for my vacation in Palm Springs, even though I'm not entirely sure I can take vacacation. But I'm proceeding as if I can...putting that positive energy out into the universe.

7. I made it to the gym! Which is a major miracle in itself. Felt great. Why is it so hard for me to get there when I know how much I enjoy it?

8. Listened to some French music. I'm getting pretty good at singing along on some of the songs.

9. My boss is on vacation next week, and just knowing he won't be hanging around the office Monday makes this Sunday night less painful than most.

10. I talked to my parents today. They are doing great and sound great, and I am so thankful for it.

Sunday: Blaahs & Blessings

Am I the only one who hates Sunday evenings? They always lead to Monday mornings, which I suppose is a good thing because if that were one day not the case it would mean the world had come to an end and that would really ruin the week. But after a relaxing weekend not having to think about insurance ads or toys or office politics, rejoining the rat race is never an enticing prospect.

Okay, so enough whining. I've been doing way too much of that. Here's a list of things I love about today:

1. I had brunch with my friend Mary, who is always good for my soul.

2. I'm drinking red wine, a little Sunday night practice I learned from my parents and is just about the greatest thing they ever taught me.

3. The fog lifted and I see blue sky with white, puffy clouds.

4. There is a roof over my head.

5. There is food in my kitchen.

6. I have many, many friends who care about me.

7. I have a family who cares about me.

8. I am moving in two weeks.

9. I have a job.

10. I am me.

Why I'm moving

In 19 days (not that I'm counting), I'm moving to an apartment across town. Here's why:

1. The place where I live now is a cave: one window (that looks out on a wall), brown carpet, brown walls and brown mold in the light switches that I can't reach not even with a Swiffer.

2. My upstairs neighbor, Carl, who I believe trains elephants. I swear to God, I've never met an 84-year-old man who makes more noise than Carl. SLAM! BAM! BANG! THUD! I want to scream "You're eighty-frickin'-four! What the fuck?!?!"

3. The elevator that's right next to my apartment. Every time someone uses it (several times a day), my lights dim.

4. The rooftop deck, where the Biffs and Muffy's in the building have their 9 a.m. Saturday morning cell phone parties. Think I'm kidding? I wish. The sound echoes down from the rooftop, down the well created by the building's walls, and enters my apartment through the windows facing said well. It sounds like people are standing IN MY BEDROOM, talking to their boyfriends/girlfriends/buds/parents.

5. CJ, my friendly, yet tobacco-drenched neighbor/landlady, who smells like smoke and leaves a trail of smokey odor wherever she goes. You can always tell if CJ's been outside her apartment by the degree to which the stench of cigarettes lingers in the hall, just outside my front door.

6. A washer and dryer on every floor, but the only dryer that actually works is on the third floor (I'm on the ground floor). The owner doesn't seem to realize that you can have 10,000 functioning washers to put at your tenants' disposal, but if there is only one drier, there may as well be only one washer too. Why am I the only one who can see this? It's simple math, people. It ain't calculus.

7. That musty, mildewy smell that I've been telling myself will go away but never does, no matter how much I clean.

8. My spotty cell phone coverage.

9. Three words: Icky brown carpet.

10. I'm sure there's another reason but it's late and it escapes me at present. Oh! How about this: I'm beginning to think I am the only gay man in Pacific Heights.

Okay, that should be enough. My new place? Well! Lemme tell you...

Beautiful hardwood floors
Gorgeous French doors between bedroom and living room
More gorgeous French doors between bedroom and porch
Porch is private, and overlooks backyard/garden
Crown molding, charm
Cute little kitchen with cute cupboards that have beveled glass
Quiet, set off well away from road
Working washer/dryer! How nice.
Cheaper rent
MUCH better location, in the heart of the Castro
Lots of windows, with lots of sun

I sign the lease Saturday. How did I get so lucky?!

Procrastination

The prodigal son returns (is that redundant?) I've been a bad, bad blogger, ignoring my fledgling blog for a myriad of reasons. I will try to do better. In the meantime, here's a list of the reasons I've been away from the keyboard for so long:

1. Working like a dog.

2. In Vancouver (for work, naturally).

3. I have been on a book-buying spree (not unusual for me), and now I have no less than 15 books on my shelf that I am salivating to read. I'm going to start with The Historian because I absolutely LOVE vampire stories.

4. I've been trolling Craig's List, thinking about trying to find a cheaper apartment.

5. My dog ate my homework.

6. I'm taking French and have been studying in my spare time.

7. I've actually done a little writing on the side. It's a screenplay for a short film about two astronauts. That's all I'm going to say about it right now because I don't want Steven Spielberg to steal my idea, the way he did with Raiders of the Lost Ark, that bastard.

8. I'm a lazy-ass wannabe with no talent and nothing of interest to say. [I don't really believe this. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.]

9. I have been spending a lot of time trimming my nails. It's a time-consuming job, as there are 20 of them.

10. I have been spending other free time constructing top 10 lists about procrastination (wow. how self-referential can you get?)

Seven Things Stress Does To Me

1. Daily headache.

2. Daily need for coffee in the mornings just to get my brain started. This may seem like nothing new to anyone, but it is when you consider that I am 42 and have never been a coffee drinker. Ever. Not even when I woke up hundreds of feet under the sea in a nuclear submarine with the Collision Alarm ringing in my ears.

3. Daily need for alcohol in the evenings just to get my brain stopped.

4. Waking up at 6:30 a.m. on the weekends, when I could sleep til 11, but can't.

5. Inability to sit and do nothing or think nothing.

6. Snapping at people who put work in my chair instead of on my desk, in a pathetic attempt to "make sure I see it." If it's in my chair, I tend to sit on it. If you want me to see it, put it on my desk. I have eyes. I will see it.

7. Facial twitching. This is new. I have turned it into a fun game, which I like to call "Twitch, Twitch, Where's the Twitch?" wherein I try to guess the location, duration and intensity of the next muscle spasm to visit my face. Currently, the right upper temply area is a good bet.

I'm sure I could think of at least seven more, but I'm tired so I have to go lie in bed for 30 minutes before I can fall asleep.