Eau de Mike

Times are Tough (really tough)

You know times are tough and people are doing whatever they can to earn a buck when an international pop icon known for being a playah with the ladies dons leotards and heels to make a popular video. (and yes, I'm saying this in jest)   I just thought this was hilarious. Click here to see the whole thing.

Thanks, Justin (that's him on the left) for being such a great sport, and for being smart enough to know that it makes you all the more popular when you're willing to do stuff like this.

I should be on TV

All my life I wanted to be a Simpson. Now I am one, thanks to simpsonizeme.com, brought to you by Burger King. I think it's pretty good!

I love you, EW

The clipping below is from the latest edition of Entertainment Weekly. The writer weighs the pros and cons of various actors being selected to play Hugh Hefner, the Ultimate Playboy. One of the options is Neil Patrick Harris, a recently out gay man. Not only do they offer him up as a good choice, but they also fail to mention that he is gay. Some would call that an oversight. I call it progress.

The Emmys

I'm watching the Emmys tonight with a mixture of "YEAH!" and "What?!" But really it's mostly "YEAH!" because you know all is right with the world when the three original Charlie's Angels come out on stage together, holding hands, looking phenomenal as ever, and bring tears to your eyes with heartfelt speeches about the late Aaron Spelling. Just amazing.

All is also right with the world when the incredibly gorgeous, incredibly humane Mariska Hargitay finally wins her first Emmy and dedicates it to her father.

Conan O'Brien's stuff was pretty darn funny. Who knew he could sing?! Megan Mellally's win was a great swan song for "Will and Grace." And Keifer and "24" finally won!

However, Candice Bergen's and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss's "dresses" were truly horrid, although JLD's speech was just terrific.

To those who didn't win tonight, but really could have [Chris Meloni, Stephen Colbert, Jean Smart, Debra Messing], there's always next year. And to those who won yet AGAIN [Jon Stewart, Alan Alda, and The Amazing Race] we love you, truly we do, but why not scoot over and let somebody else sit at the table for a change?

And one of the coolest parts...Chloris Leachman coming onstage as the recipient of the most Emmys by anyone, man or woman, ever. Happy Number 8, Chloris. You should have something great like that to your name, considering you were saddled with such a horrible one. But you sure wear it well, Girlfriend.

Channel Surfing

I've always loved television. And I make no apologies for it. Ever since I was a kid, my favorite thing to do was to watch TV. Even though back then (and I'm really showing my age here) there were only 5 stations: ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, and the UHF channel...the independent channel that only showed religious broadcasts or crap I never wanted to see.

Tonight, I channel surfed while enjoying the benefits of TiVo and cable. I get, like, 60 channels. It's insane. And it's lots of fun. Here's what I saw:

1. Law and Order: SVU repeats. I can NEVER get enough of gorgeous Mariska Hargitay and gorgeous Christopher Meloni.

2. Julie Andrews performing a medley of her Broadway hits. I adore her. You can have Judy, Liza, Barbra, and Madonna. Give me Dame Julie any day.

3. South Park. So politically incorrect, offensive, brilliant and hysterical. A voice that needs to be heard.

4. Pimp My Ride. Okay, so I surfed right through this.

5. My Fair Brady. I only watched for a few minutes. Something about Christopher Knight STILL working the Brady angle after all these decades makes me want to puke. So what if I had a crush on him when I was 10? Fast forward thirty years...he's lame!

6. Sanford and Son. Oh God, I couldn't stand this show when it was originally on. Reruns are no exception. So, so, so bad.

7. Stargate SG-1. This is a show my brother loves, and I have always tried to appreciate – there are worse ways to spend an hour than watching Richard Dean Anderson do his thang – but I just can't get into it. I tried, you guys. I really did. Sorry!

8. Some Western movie with Clint Eastwood. He has evolved into an incredibly gifted director. But his old stuff, the squinty-eyed cowboy who hardly says anything. Bo-ring!

9. America's Got Talent. As an American Idol fan, I thought MAYBE I'd enjoy this show. But the combination of Regis Philbin, W-list judges, and an audience participation element that reeks of "The Price is Right" - this show is, to use Simon Cowell's own phrase, "truly horrible." It's embarrassing that "America" would even watch this. Complete and utter crap. America does NOT have talent; it has diarrhea.

10. I Shouldn't Be Alive. Mildly interesting survival stories. I love to read survival stories ("Skeletons on the Zahara", "The Whaleship Essex", "The Endurance") but watching them on TV is tedious. They tend to use the same 6-second video clip, like, 100 times in the space of an hour. The basic story gets stretched out to be 1,000 times longer than it needs to. So watching feels like a huge waste of time. And it usually is.

11. Surfing through "Will and Grace", "Friends", "The Daily Show", "Law and Order", "The Simpsons", and even "King of the Hill" makes me smile. All great shows. Restores one's faith in the whole industry.

TiVO, I love you.

Now that you're all hooked up and working, all is forgiven. I forgive the hell you put me through with all those calls to tech support. And the extra money you made me spend on paraphernalia. All that time it took to download the proper software. And I even forgive you for making me run a phone cord from my upstairs neighbor's apartment, out her window, down the side of the building, into my window and into my DVR just so that download could happen.

Because now, now I am a convert. You are alerting me to shows with my favorite stars. You are recording with digital clarity. You are, as you say on page 6 of my Owner's Manual, transforming my life. In fact, I feel so warm and fuzzy right now, I am compelled to post an appropriate picture.

I Curse Thee, TiVO

My VCR finally broke last week. I knew it had been on its last legs for the last six months or so. It wouldn't always record the shows I set it for. Only some of the buttons on the remote actually worked. And then there were the occasional Linda Blair vomit episodes. A sure tip-off that something is rotten in the state of Magnavox. It lasted about five years, though. Not bad for a $70 floor model from Sears. So, instead of staying in the Stone Age and spending $125 on a decent new VCR - I decided to enter the digital age by spending $150 for a DVR and a year's worth of TiVO.

I'm convinced that if the day ever comes when my new system is actually up and working, it will be worth every penny. I know TiVOs do actually work. I've seen them in my friends' houses. My sister has it too. She pushes buttons on the remote and things on the TV screen pop up, just as she commanded. So I know it is humanly possible to buy a TiVO DVR, get the service, hook it up, and have it perform its stated functions. However, these are things I myself have not been able to bring about.

I consider myself lucky that my TiVO even arrived. When I ordered it on a Wednesday morning at 10 a.m, I paid extra money for "2-day delivery" thinking – silly me – that it would arrive on Friday. But it didn't get here until Monday afternoon...which makes it a 5-day, 2-day delivery. Even if you factor in the weekend, that's still three days. Oh, believe me...a letter will be written. Verbs will fly.

Then, when I finally did get it, I opened the box like a kid at Christmas because I couldn't wait to try it out, only to discover that it didn't come with all the cables and adapters and iCrap needed to actually make it work. So, off I trek to Radio Shack, where a 14-year-old video game wunderkind sold me what I needed. I'm all excited, I get the iCrap home, and I'm hooking everything up, and I actually managed to get the TiVO Welcome Screen.

I did it! Victory!! I'm moments away from pausing live TV!

Hold on. Not so fast. Seems one of the items I bought because it wasn't in the box and I was stupid to think that TiVO would actually give me what I needed to use the product...one of the items I bought, a USB adapter, was not compatible with the version of software that my TiVO came with. And Radio Shack doesn't sell the adapter I need. So now I'm stuck on Step 5, waiting for new software to be sent to me (I'm on the Priority Waiting List and it will only take "2-3 business days" so lucky, lucky me) so the adapter will work, so I can complete the setup, so I can activate my service, so I can record shows. Why this new, required, indispensible, must-have-before-you-can-do-Jack-Squat hardware was not already on my "completely updated and factory-sealed" TiVO before they shipped it is beyond me. That would make too much sense.

They write all the How To material in this friendly tone and make it all sound so easy. "Simply connect this to that and TiVO does the rest!" "Just run the cord from the DVR to your Ethernet connection and that's all there is to it!" "All you have to do is push the right arrow button and ten million dollars is instantly deposited in the bank account you indicated in Step 2!"

But nothing is that easy. They don't tell you that you won't have everything you need in the box. Or that when you buy the recommended additional equipment that you'll need new software before it will work. And they certainly don't tell you that you'll be throwing the DVR against the wall because what should only take an hour is taking eight days and counting.

People, all I wanted to do was record "24" and "The Amazing Race." Why is that so hard? Why do I have to learn The Rest of the Story by digging through the troubleshooting section of my Viewer's Guide after nothing works?

Just writing about this makes me so angry, I want to send the entire box back with a note that says "Never mind."

But then I'd never get to rewind the scene where Jack Bauer saves the world. So I will wait 2-3 more business days, which I've learned is TiVOspeak for 5 days. At this rate, the Amazing Race will be won, and "24" will be over. Jack Bauer waits for no man. Not even a little square-headed one with two cute little antennae with a "V" for a nose and "i" and "O" for eyes.

Oops.

Is that a MTF transgendered person on page 25 of this week's TV Guide?! How cool! Right there...a snapshot from an upcoming episode of the Emmy-winning "Huff!" It sure looks like it! There s/he is, sitting across from series star Hank Azaria, smiling all pretty in the midst of a pivotal scene. Yes! It's a trans... oh wait. No. Sorry. I just read the caption. It's Angelica Huston.

Never mind.

Pixel Addiction

May as well 'fess up right here and now, early on, so you know where I stand. I won't hide behind a copy of "War and Peace" or The New Yorker. The truth will come out eventually.

I love TV.

It started when I was a kid, with The Carol Burnett Show and Mary Tyler Moore. Later, it was "Cagney and Lacey" Today, it's all about "Law and Order: SVU," "ER," "24" and "The Amazing Race" which is such a...well, it's an amazing show.

Next week, "24" concludes its season and I can't wait to see how Jack Bauer is going to save me from certain nuclear annihilation this time around. I know I will never be instantly vaporized as long as he is around. And that is a comfort in these trying times.

I'm less enamored of "ER" these days. It seems all my favorite characters are leaving. Julianne Marguiles is gone. Anthony Edwards is gone. Ming-Na is gone. Laura Innes is hardly ever on-camera anymore. And Sherry Stringfield has never been the same since she came back to the show. Now Dr. Carter is leaving. The only two left I care anything about are Neela and Abby, who is almost good enough to make me sit through the stupid storylines involving Sam and Luca. Almost. I think I may give up on "ER" next season and pick up "Lost," which I have intentionally not let myself get hooked on.

Why all these fascinating insights into my TV viewing habits? Oh, I dunno. I guess it feeds my desire to be HONEST. So many people swear they don't watch much TV. All the critics talk about how crappy it is. I am the lone voice in the pixellated void...happy to stand up and say, "I kind of like it." Always have. Probably always will.

I once admitted this to a college professor who absolutely could not BELIEVE that someone of my intelligence (whatever that is) could be so hooked on mindless drivel. But there is a place for mindless drivel in this world. Especially when it's populated by pompous college professors.