Here’s a little snippet from a recent news item I saw on Yahoo!
Pop superstar Michael Jackson has been asked by the Roman Catholic Church to set the prayers of the late Pope John Paul II to music. The 47-year-old singer was chosen to write music for the 24 prayers and chants after Vatican officials decided his global celebrity would best promote their holy message. Father Giuseppe Moscati says, "We have the rights for the 24 prayers written by Pope John Paul. We had hoped the fact that we have been in contact with Michael Jackson would remain a secret. But sadly it has leaked out ahead of time. We are in discussions and trying to sort it out."
This is insanely wrong on so many levels, I hardly know where to start. But I may as well begin with pee-pees.
An accused child molester has just been asked to be the lead singer for a church, which, in turn, is full of child molesters (who, let’s not forget, are straight guys, not gay ones). Wacko Jacko, the Patron Saint of Pedophilia. I’d like to see the necklace for that one. I’m sure the canonization proceedings will begin any day now.
Funny how church leaders don’t seem to think this whole thing is a bad idea. Am I the only one who sees the irony here? The hypocrisy?! Whoever’s doing their PR needs to be fired. Probably the same agency who convinced Coke to reformulate their soda way back when. Maybe they can put Michael’s photo on recruitment ads for altar boys. That’d be awesome.
Then there’s the whole secret thing. “We had hoped [it] would remain a secret” the interviewed priest said. Well, of course you did, Padre! Secrets are what the Catholic Church trades in. It’s their favorite way to spend their time, next to an afternoon in the confession booth. Which, come to think of it, is nothing more than whispering secrets to old men in dark places.
Why all the secrecy anyway? Why does it matter? Maybe the Church wanted to make a big, surprise media event out of the announcement. Fireworks. Hot dogs. J Lo. Maybe have Jacko jump out of an angel food cake holding his pet chimp. Oh, wait. Better not do that. It might send a message that the church believes in evolution. And we wouldn’t want to open THAT can of worms. Wouldn’t want to start a controversy.
And I really love this: “…Vatican officials decided his global celebrity would best promote their holy message.”
Now, the Catholic Church has been accused of being out of touch with reality since I was a kid. I even did a high school term paper on the Church’s refusal to ordain women as priests. And that was in 1979. So I don’t know why I’m so surprised that a Church official would actually say Michael Jackson’s global celebrity is in keeping with their holy message.
News flash, Monsignor: Michael Jackson hasn’t been relevant as a pop star since “Thriller,” which was released in 1982. Nineteen eighty-two, Your Cluelessness. That’s 24 years ago. The only global celebrity he has now is for molesting little boys. You remember, don’t you? Santa Barbara? The mug shot heard ‘round the world? Am I ringing any church bells here? Yet, the Vatican thinks that somehow MJ is the perfect choice to promote their holy message. The only thing holy about Michael Jackson is…well, I can’t think of a single thing that’s holy about him. I’ll get back to you on that one.
Admittedly, I haven’t attended a Mass in years. In fact, I have vowed never to step foot into a Catholic church again as long as I live. I did this in July, 2000 when Pope John Paul II asked the Italian government to release all the murderers, rapists, drug dealers and thieves from prison, and then later that same afternoon lamented the fact that gay people were in Rome celebrating World Pride Day. Called the very presence of gay people in Rome an insult, and an offense. Basically, he wanted to release heinous criminals into the streets while sweeping those same streets clean of homosexuals. Lovely. Real Christian of ya, Johnny P. So once again, the church beautifully illustrates why I made that vow six years ago. And idiotic, hypocritical, inflammatory rhetoric like this, passed off to the masses as “Christian values,” just keeps coming.
But I digress. We were talking about the well-known Christian, Michael Jackson. Mr. Chaste himself. The upholder of All Values Catholic. Hey, he may grab his crotch when he’s singing about illegitimate children in front of 12-year-olds, and he may grab boys’ crotches the rest of the time, but other than that he’s a poster child of piety. A wonderful role model. A good Catholic. Oh wait, he’s not Catholic. No matter. He wears funny hats and funky clothes so that’s close enough.
Let’s just recap the Church’s stance on things, shall we?
Homosexuality: sinful.
Gay people who dare to breathe: an insult.
Convicted murderers, rapists, thieves and drug dealers: welcome back!
Gay priests: stay out!
Child molester spokesman: A-okay!
It’s good to know the score, isn’t it? I like to keep tabs. But the Church better hope God doesn’t bother. Because the way I see it, if God does, they’re screwed.
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